Hachache Jokes

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Lebanese CEDAR

Lebanese Flag

HACHACHE JOKES

** Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

*** Men's English:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

She
HE. " can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS (and men who may
appreciate good humour!)

By : Monzer Rl-Baba

Nobody

There were two men. One is called "Nobody" and the other men "Your Brain".

Nobody went to school and Your Brain to a "FALAFEL" shop. The director asked Nobody:

-What your name sir?

-Nobody. Said the man.

-How nobody, where is your brain? Asked the director

- He went to buy FALAFEL....

By: Jad Idriss

Mercedes Om El-Oyoon
Abou Al-Abed Told Abou Steef that he saw a Mercedes type
"Om El-Oyoon" model 2002 for $5,000 USD !!!
(The Mercedes that have 4 circles head lights)

Abou Steef said "It's impossible! It must be stolen"

Abou Al-Abed said "No it's not and it's papers are all correctly "

Abou Steef said "It must have a mechanical problem!"

Abou Al-Abed said "Not At All ... "

Abou Steef said "$5,000 USD are you sure ???"

Abou Al-Abed said "Yes.. Because the car is hawllah !!!"

By: Raef Hachache

IS A COMPUTER MALE OR FEMALE?

   A Spanish language instructor was explaining to her class that
   in Spanish, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are
   grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
   "House," in Spanish, is feminine - "la casa."
   "Pencil," in Spanish, is masculine - "el lapiz."
   One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
   The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in
    her Spanish dictionary. So - for fun - she split the class
   into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked
   them to decide whether   "computer" should be a masculine
   or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their
   recommendation.

   The men's group decided that computers should definitely
   be of the feminine    gender ("la computer"), because:

   1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
   2. The native language they use to communicate with other
       computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
   3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
       possible later retrire view; and
   4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
       spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
   ("el computer"), because:
   1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
   2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
   3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
         time they ARE the problem; and
   4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a
       little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
    . . . . .The women won!

By : Dina Shaaban

Human !!!

By: Raef Hachache

Lebanese Style!

A Lebanese guy goes to a brothel at the outskirts of Paris one night,
and finds himself a prostitute. He went over and said, how much do you
charge for one hour???
She replied $100.
He said okay but do you do ??
She said no, he then said, I'll pay you $200 to do Lebanese style.
Again she said no , not knowing what Lebanese style is!
So he then offers her $300, and again she declined his offer.
So finally he said I'll give you $500 have Lebanese style sex with me.
The large amount of money caused her to seriously consider his offer,
so she finally agrees thinking that she's been in the prostitution
industry for over 10 years now , been here done that , how bad could the
Lebanese style
be...
So she goes ahead has sex with the Lebanese fellow, doing it in every
kind of way possible and in all positions anyone could conceive. In the
end, she asked him so....
Where was the Lebanese style???? I mean did I miss something here?? What
was so Lebanese about what we did???
He replies to her with a smile on his face,.... I'll pay you
tomorrow!!!!!

By : Mounzer El-Baba

Made In Lebanon

By: Dina Shabaan

Truck Of The Year

By: Mounzer El-Baba

I'm Going To Marry

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in
love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and
guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm
going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

By : Mounzer El-Baba

Phone Call

Why Does Abou El Abed eat when he receive a cellular call?

Because he reads "Call"

By: Dina Shabban

Waiters In A Restaurant

U have waiters in a restaurant.... that they always hold a spoon so a client asked one of them ... what r u holding always a spoon the waiter said to provide a good service... by the mean if someone wants a spoon we'll deliver it quickly.. the client saw a small tube coming out of the waiter's pant... and he asked him for what is that the waiter said that the tube is used to piss without holding the pennies with our hand the client asked :but how do u put back your penny the waiter said :well I don't know for the others but I use the spoon.

By: Bassam Ghandour

Abu Abed is a Gentleman

Em Abed speaking to her husband Abu Abed : Do you see how beautiful and very cute are our new neighbor ? .... Everyday on his way out and when he comes back to the house, the husband kisses his wife... When are you going to become a Gentleman like him Abu Abed ?

Abu Abed : Who told you I am not a Gentleman...
I have tried to kiss her like him since the first day they moved in... But she refused and slapped me on my face ... !!!

By : Abu Abed

The Whiskey

Abu Abed use to drink a lot of whiskey... His doctor told him that he have to stop drinking and made a experiment for him . He brought two cups and placed two worms one in each cup. In the first cup he poured some water and in the second cup he poured some whiskey... The worm in the second cup died immediately while the one in the water cup was still alive going up and down.
The Doctor : You see what happen Abu Abed
Abu Abed : Oh ya... I see, If you drink Whiskey you will never have any worm in your stomach

By : Abu Abed

Good Restaurant !!!

Abu Abed was telling his friend Abu Steif about a restaurant...
Abu Abed : When you go in to this restaurant every body come and greet you... Then they serve as much as you want drinks for FREE... After that they serve the best food and all type of Mezze all FREE..
Abu Steif : All Free are you sure ??
Abu Abed : Not only this when you finish eating they offer you all types of dessert also FREE !!
Abu Steif : All Free are you sure Abu Abed ??
Abu Abed : And after you finish eating and drinking they put music for you so you can dance and then they take you to the backroom where you can have sex as much as you want All For FREE !!!
Abu Steif : All Free are you sure ??
Abu Abed : And after you finish the owner of the restaurant comes and gives $100.- and thank you for coming and invites you to come everyday !!!
Abu Steif : All Free and they also give you money ... This is Impossible Abu Abed ... Have you been to this restaurant yourself ??
Abu Abed : Myself I have not been there, but I am telling you it is true... My wife Em Abed goes there everyday and they give her $100.-

By : Abu Abed

The Bike

Abo Stef saw Abo El-Abed riding a new bike and said, "Mabrouk Ya Abo El-Abed! When did you buy this new bike?"

Abo El-Abed said that while he was returning home, a beautiful Lady stopped him. She got down from her bike and took off all her clothes and said, "Come on Abo E-Abed Don't be shy.. come and take off what ever you want !!!"

Abo El-Abed said to himself, "What should I do with her clothes.. So I took the bike !!!"

By : Ali

Pepsi Machine

Abo El-Abed went to the Casino with Abo Steef.
Abo El-Abed saw a Pepsi Cola machine.
He put a dollar he got a can of Pepsi.
So he putted another dollar and got another can of Pepsi.
So he continued putting all his money in the Pepsi machine.
Abo Steef said, "What are you doing?"
Abo El-Abed replied, "Can't you see that I'm winning !!!"

By : Walid Saradar

The Ladder

Rope and a string

Q. Sho El Farek Bayn Hable (rope) and a string bikini

A. Al Hable bitjir humar (donkey), but a string bitjir 500 hamir

By : Abed Dahabi

Marlboro Advertisement

Abou El-Abed saw a Marlboro Advertisement.
So he bought a horse.

By: Hisham El-Hoss

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

By : Abed Dahabi

What It Means ?

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

Abou El-Ebed naked in St. Tropez Beach in France

Abou El-Ebed Went for a vacation to St. Tropez in France. When he came back To Lebanon, he told abou Steef of what he saw, "People were naked as they were born".

Abou Steef was excited and asked Abou El-Ebed, "Were there girls in the beach?"

Abou El-Ebed replied, "I don't know ?! They weren't wearing their clothes to know ?!?"

By : Omar Bibi

HOW TO BE A LEBANESE:

1- Must have a 2000 or above model car, not any car, but BMWs, Mercedes, Jags,Porsche...amongst others.
2- Go to the movies on Mondays or Wednesdays, we pay 5000 LP on those days, we economize 5000 LP ($3.5) that we add to the $150 to go to Alecco's or Mandaloun on weekends!
3- If you cannot make it to Paris, shopping in Kaslik or Verdun is a must, even if you go to Akil Bros.!!
4- Faraya or Fakra in Winter time and ATCL or Riviera in Summer time, you
do not have to know how to ski you can always do the "bronzage" (Tan);
swimming is out of the records too....who will look at you if you look
like a wet rat?? Finally, make sure you change 6 outfits and 5 bathing suits
during the day.
5- A mobile is essential, having two cell lines will boost your moral too
preferably and in order to be more civilized and well rounded, buy a "Clic or Premiere" in order to be connected internationally!
6- Silicon your tits, lips and behind.... you did not get a nose job yet?? Yiii....where the hell do you live? you're not civilized and up to fashion get out of here!
7- Forget about McDonald's now, the King of Burgers is in town!!! "Burger King"! Always follow the crowd, wherever they go you follow even if you have to stand in long lines.
8- Do not buy "Snob","Mondanite","Special","Prestige" ..read them at the"Monot" or "Casper & Gambini"!The atmosphere there is very intellectual especially if you are wearing Armani, Prada,Escada or Faconnable...
9- You have to use only one word in Arabic in each sentence, just make you feel safe that after all you are a Phoenician NOT an Arab!
10- Forget about the local TV networks. You have to have all the cable channels on your TV set, including EROS and Polsat...
11- Do not drink coffee or Nescafe at home (Very Boring)....go to "Cafe Najjar", "StarBucks" or any cafe... for your convenience, we have one at the end of each street, where you can enjoy being stared at and staring at other people.
12- Once in your life date at least a russian,Ukrainian or a Romanian girl. You will find them in our "Little Russia" sector or Maameltein.
13- Be a SNOB, IGNORE PEOPLE, BE AGGRESSIVE......The more arrogant and snobbish the classier and better.
14- If you are a woman, make sure to stare at every man who walks in a room until every body notice your action, check out every part of hisbody and clothes and pay special attention to THE POCKETS.
15- Last but not least,always judge people by how much money they have or more precisely, how much his family is worth.Remember, just be LEBANESE EH WALLAH, aren't we the greatest???!!!

By: Dina Shaaban

No Blese...No Blese (No Please)

Abu Al-Abed go to Africa, when he come back he talk to Abu-Stef: Abu al-Abed: The first day I hunted 12 lions, 20 giraffes and 5 Noblises. The second day I hunted 36 zebras, 50 elephants and 47 Noblises and the third day is the best hunting I hunted 512 lions, 150 zebras and 645 Noblises. Abu-Stef: I know the lion, the zebra, the giraffe and the elephant but what do you mean the Noblese? Abu al- Abed: I don't really know what it is only whenever I go hunting I see it coming saying: No Blese...No Blese (No Please).

By: Jad Idriss

Aboul Al-Abed Eye Glasses

Abou Al-Abed went to Eye glasses shop.

Abou Al-Abed didn’t know what kind of glasses he wanted

The seller, asked him “Do you want glasses for the sun?”

Aboul Al-Abed, answered very angry “Do I care about the sun?! Let the sun buy it's own glasses!”

Aboul Al-Abed Life Style

Why Does Aboul Al-Abed Walks Naked In The Street?

Because He Thinks That The Leather Is On Fashion

Twins

The wife of Abou Al-Abed got twins, then Abou Al-Abed went looking for the other father.

Writer

What are you going to work when you grow up? Asks a father to his son.

-I would like to be a writer answers the boy.

-Very interesting, but, you know, it's not easy...

What will you write to earn money?

-Nothing easier than that, answers the boy. When I need money, I'll write you a letter!

Number 8

Which number, used 8 times in an addition, gives 1000 total?

Answer: the 8 because: 888 + 88 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 1000

ABU ABED BACK FROM THE STATES

Abu El Abed came back from the States and was met by his friends who asked him how was his trip to the US.

Abu El Abed: Well America is the country that have the tallest buildings in the World. For example, in New York, they have buildings so tall that one day, one guy jumped from the roof of one of the building and it took him 3 days to hit the ground.

Abu Staeif : And did he die ?

Abu El Abed: Are you stupid Abu Staief , 3 days without water and food and you want him to live.

Sugar For café

In a coffee shop or café trottoir a women asks the waitress:

-Can you get me another sugar cube to put in my tea!

-But, but...This is the 8th one that I get you...

-It's not my fault if they always melt!!

Foot Ball

Om El-Abed is watching a soccer match on T.V. when suddenly she shouts:

"How stupid they are!It would be better for each one to buy a balloon instead of running after the same one!"

Red Under Wear

Why Does A Bitch Wears Red Under Wear?

Because She Is OMOUMI (Red Plate Of Lebanese Taxi)

Abou Al Abed's new mini-cooper:

Abou Al Abed’s mini cooper: Abou El Abed (AA) bought a mini cooper with ezez fumé (smoked glass). Once while he was stopping at the red light a Mercedes 600 stopped next to him, so he opened his window and blew the horn for the Mercedes driver (MD) to open his window, so the MD did. AA: Do you have ice? MD: No!! So AA closed his window and took off to the next red light, the MD again stopped next to him. AA blew the horn; again, the MD opened his window again. AA: Do you have C.N.N. MD: Nooo!! Again AA closed his window and took off. The MD AYARIT MA’O (got extremely angry in a cursy word) and went to spoiler center and told the man there, “I want a mini bar, a freezer, dish, video, tv, CDV, Hifi…I want my car to be fully equiped!!!!!!!” When his car was finished he drove searching for AA in his mini cooper until he found his mini parked on the side of the road, after a very long search. He stopped next to the mini and blew the horn but AA didn’t answer, so the MD had to get out of the car to knock at the mini’s windfow, so he did. AA opened the window about half an inch and the MD told him that he has cnn, ice, mini bar, video, CDV, laserdisc… and asked AA is it O.K. now my friend???!!!?!?!?! Moreover, AA answered, Hala’ menchen heik attachtneh aan al douche ya ayr??(Now for that, you stopped me from my shower ???

** Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

*** Men's English:

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person.

(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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Lebanese CEDAR